trois.

Recently, I had decided to rejoin society after viewing it for many years through a peephole. From my hole I would write my criticisms and views of a society I refused to take part in because of my hatred for humanity. With my announcement, I expected my entrance to be much like the following.

Gathering around my hole, numerous people from my so-called life await my appearance. Co-workers, close friends and a handful of people I respect. They’d be waiting around my hole with bated breath while I ready myself for my reintroduction to society.

‘Sound the trumpets! He’s rejoining us!’ one would cry to onlookers who would all be gathered around my hole.

‘Be quiet,’ another would cut in, ‘you’ll scare him back underground!’

‘I think I see his head… and a hand?’ another would comment as I slowly emerge.

Upon fully emerging, confetti would flood the sky with my name being chanted over and over. I would wince at the bright light that greet my eyes as all of my years underground have left me surrounded in a troubled darkness.

‘Thank you for rejoining us, Anthony! We’ve missed you terribly!’

‘I want to have him first!’ a woman would cry, shoving herself ahead of the thousands of women fighting for a chance to save my troubled soul.

I would pretend to be impartial to my reintroduction but deep inside would be full of joy since I hoped mending my relationship with society would prove to be fruitful this time around. After shaking a couple of hands and kissing babies, which I do with much hesitation, the on looking crowd would chant my name as I attempt to silence them to make a speech.

In my speech, I’d talk about all I’ve been through. I’d talk about the ugly place I was in 4 years ago and all I’ve been through to get to this point. I’d talk about alcohol abuse, prescription drug use and my thoughts of on a world I vowed never to rejoin again. With each positive word leaving my mouth, a quick ‘horrah!’ would leave the mouths of my audience. Upon finishing my speech, I’d crowd surf my way to the exit and begin my new life in society. In this new era I would find happiness in every aspect of my life and have absolutely no regrets

I then wake up from this obvious dream to see that this is not to be so. It has only been a couple months since my reintroduction and already I’m missing my hole.

deux.

Trying to gather my thoughts, I sit here and hope to gain some direction. Scotch is the driver as usual; I am merely a passenger tagging along. I always try not to ask any questions fearing it’ll steer me in the wrong direction and ruin the trip, though it never happens. After a few minutes into the ride, promising myself to keep silent, I break my vow and ask my driver a question.

‘Life,’ I ask sitting back with Miles Davis playing in the background, ‘what’s the point of its repetitiveness?’ The driver says nothing. He never does. Instead, depression smacks me in the face as I feel I already know what he’s going to say.

‘Fuck,’ I reply in frustration, ‘continue driving.’

I begin to feel worse as suddenly I see people from my past pull up beside me. In protest, I demand the driver to go faster.

‘Faster, driver!’ I yell scornfully. He begins to pick up speed.

By this time it’s usually too late as now I’m being chased by exes, school bullies and family members who I swore I would never encounter again. The tension begins to rise.

‘Faster!’

‘You dumping me was the best thing that happened to me,’ someone yells. ‘I’m much happier now than I ever was with you.’

‘I’m happy for you.’ I reply. Of course, I don’t mean any of it. I wish they were as miserable as I am right now.

‘What are you doing with your life?’ another asks.

‘I don’t love you anymore. What we had was three years ago. Get over it!’ another replies loudly. Out of all the people chasing me, this is person I wish to get rid of most. I haven't heard her voice in years.

‘I said faster, driver! Faster!’

As we go faster, some do leave meanwhile others pick up speed. Sooner or later, I'm being followed by only a handful of people. They’re always the same ones left behind.

‘Get over it. For all you know, I could be in someone else’s arms right now. Maybe I’m even fucking them right now. What if I am?’ the same voice from my past comments. I can vividly see her looking at me in a condescending manner.

‘Just leave, go away.’ I reply rudely.

‘What are you going to do if things don’t go your way?’ someone else replies. ‘Then what? You’ll be just another nobody, if not worse!’

‘Faster!’

‘You’re alone and miserable. Do you know people your age are already settled down and are happy?’ another interrupts. This one irritates me.

‘No they’re not,’ I shoot back. ‘They’re not happy.’

‘They’re happier than you though!’ They reply back.

Suddenly all of them are fighting, each trying to out do the other by screaming for my attention. Some try to dig deep into my past in attempts to get my attention through mentioning my past failures; others use a philosophical approach.

‘Think about it: there’s no meaning to life. Suicide is the most logical solution. Camus said that, you know.’ Continues one voice.

‘Go on.’ I demand.

‘See, life is absurd. And though you’re feeling down because of the nature of life, be grateful: you’re only seeing life how it really is. Everyone else out there is blind – ignorant. Ignorance is bliss, you know.’

‘I know.’

I soon become engulfed with voices speaking simultaneously as I’m unable to answer their questions either out of refusal or fear of the emotional repercussions of my answers. At this point I’m going so fast the driver is no longer listening to my commands to slow down. Getting caught in emotions, dizziness and fatigue, I pass out.

I awake in complete depression and anger the next day. My head feels as if it had fell victim to a car crash and remembered every single thing that happened before the accident. Confused by the numerous cuts and bruises I find upon myself, I peel myself out of bed into the shower.

I promise never to do it again. But as always, I always come crawling back thinking I’ll finally be able to answer all questions asked and things will be different the next time around.

un.

I am an angry man. Not because I believe the world owes me something, for the world makes no promises, but the fact its experiences have left me with a bitter aftertaste. Though I can easily blame individuals or gods for my misfortunes, I choose not to. That would simply be giving them more credit than they deserve.

So save me your pity. My life is a result of my own doing and not of any human or godly influences. I, and I alone, have steered my life into such a path based upon my own actions and choices.

And though you may think I’m writing this for your acceptance, I’m really writing this for the sake of my own record keeping. I could care less if you discover grammatical mistakes or inconsistencies within my writing since this isn’t being done for your applause and acceptance.

'Then what part do we play these posts?' you may ask.

'An audience' I rejoin, 'simply an audience.'